Hifi Medical Center

The hospital

The Hifi Hospital has a bed capacity of around 50 beds with 20 rooms and a special emergency care unit. With 10 doctors always on-call you can feel free to get sick anytime. We will make sure you will be properly cared for during the indicated hospital office hours. After hours, our doctors tend to drink at the bar across the road but not to worry. We still have a lot of mixed minority raced nurses to keep you alive in the meantime.

We also make use of Hifi University Medical students by making them do rounds as assistants to the doctors. If ever a doctor is not available then the Hifi student assigned to them will gladly help you instead. Hifi University, being a pioneer in helping the underdog, also allows medical students with failing grades to participate during rounds. Just because they made a wrong diagnosis during class or failed their diagnostic classes does not necessarily mean they can fail in a real world situation.

We also have a well-equipped surgical room for any operations that might be required on campus. From the removal of a beer bong or a pipe from your oral cavity we are more than capable to handle these situations quickly and discreetly. After all, we all know how wild students can be during their university days. All it takes is a misplaced step and all hell can break lose during one of the campus’s frat parties.

Hopefully, someone will be sober enough to dial the emergency hotline.

The Dental clinics

The university also takes pride in its state of the art Dental Care provider. Knowing just how many incidences of tooth loss happens during play off season when too many drunken students show their dismay or rejoice through random fist pumping in the air, our dental centre is prepared for not only missing tooth replacement but also tooth reattachment procedures.

In partnership with the Medical department our Dental care department provides countless free dental check-ups and basic prophylactic procedures during certain days in the week. This not only gives an opportunity for dental students to practice on more than willing patients who are just after the free service but also gives another chance for medical students with failing grades to seem like they are still capable of graduating.

The clinics themselves are equipped with fancy dental chairs that go up and down. Some even have some comfortable duct tape laid across the back. This is of course not a reflection of the age and out datedness of the chairs but merely shows they have been with the university for a very long time. They have some history which therefore just adds to their character. Antiques if you may, and just like they say, the older something is the more it costs. So within the line of that kind of reasoning you can rest assured the dental chairs you will be sitting in is nothing but very expensive.

The Paediatric care section

The university also takes into account that many of the university’s students will have had an offspring due to the lack of self-control and countless drunken nights of partying. Since we care so much for our students we have provided an onsite birthing centre complete with midwives. Your irresponsibly conceived child will have nothing but the best on campus care that a student budget can provide.

After birth we not only have countless paediatric doctors to aid you in caring for your child’s health but we have also hired or procured countless social workers for the placement of the child in a proper home just in case you do not want to bring home an extra soul to the holiday dinner with your family.